Your head and mind got heavier by the weight of a new concern: He pulled away after intimacy. What you’re experiencing is a very common scene in the post-modern dating world. The weight of the new concern contains a bunch of questions: Why did he pull away after sex? What the hell do I do? Let’s make that weight lighter, right now! Chances are very high that this has not much to do about you. Chances are very high that he’s dealing with something on his own. Blaming yourself will negatively affect your self-esteem and surely won’t solve anything in this situation! Before we jump into the practical – what you can do when he pulls away after sex – we’ve got to comprehend a few basics first!
Why do guys pull away after intimacy? 8 surprising reasons he’s acting distant after sex!
Men have a tendency of pulling away when things start getting intense or serious, it’s a typical scenario. Due to the socially dysfunctional ways of teaching men how to deal with their emotions, of course, they’ll have a difficult time processing and performing when emotions come into an intense play. The answers can be numerous and various when it comes to why he pulls away after intimacy. It’s important to keep in mind that you can only assume until he decides to be honest and tell you himself. He’s the one to have the answers! Until he gets back, we can give this a karate analysis! He’s a man. He can’t fall far from the tree, right? Here are the 8 most common reasons why men pull away after sex:
1. It’s a play of hormones and chemicals in his brain.
Behind our joy, sadness, pleasure, and everything we experience there are bunches of cocktails made of chemicals and hormones doing their job within our brains and bodies. Different people experience sex differently. However, generally, after sex, there’s this hormone called “Oxytocin” which is also called the bonding hormone. This is the hormone that is often released when we hug, kiss, and touch other people. It’s known to help us let our guard down, trust, and have a sense of bonding with other people. Now, this hormone is significantly more released in women than in men after and during sex. In men, it’s shown that dopamine is the significant hormone released in their brains after sex. This is what makes them want more of it. On the other hand, the testosterone levels are likely to drop quite low, contributing to his distant behavior towards you. Since they’re being spared from the powerful touch of large amounts of Oxytocin, they’re likely to not feel the connection you’re feeling.
2. He doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea.
Leaving the chemical and hormonal cocktails aside, he might be doing it voluntarily. Men often pull away after sex because they want to avoid giving you the wrong idea. In other words, if he stays passionate and warm with you, you might get the idea that he’ll stick around for more than just sexual pleasure. If commitment is not what he’s looking for, then he’s likely to pull away whenever things seem like they could get emotionally intimate. Sex is also known to be a bonding experience. It can be a pathway that leads to an emotional connection between two people. If he sticks around after sex there’ll be room for emotional bonding between you two, and if commitment is not something he wants from the connection with you, he will pull away after sex so that he avoids giving you the wrong idea.
3. He needs time to process the shift within your connection.
If this is the first time you two got sexually intimate with one another, then it can be quite a big shift within your connection. Sex is a big deal for most connections; It affects connections and gives them a different direction once it ‘happens’. This shift and change within your connection take time to process, especially if sex wasn’t expected to ‘happen’ within your connection. One of the most common reasons why men pull away after intimacy or sex is that they need time to figure things out, think things through, and process what just happened between you two. It’s even more common for them to pull away if you had a platonic connection. In such connections, sex can really leave you with a head full of thoughts as to where your relationship will be headed and what’ll happen next with it. No matter how good it was, sex can be a cause for confusion and doubt regarding the relationship.
4. He’s scared of intimacy.
Sex can be a bonding experience and, for some, highly intense. Sex often causes two people to grow closer and have a stronger bond with one another. Sexual intimacy can easily lead to emotional intimacy. The ones who experienced it, are fairly aware of it. If he’s aware of this and he’s scared of intimacy, then he’s very likely to pull away after intimacy, be it emotional or sexual. Fear of intimacy and connection can often be a cause of withdrawal in romantic relationships. This fear can manifest in various forms, and one of the most common is withdrawal. He feels the need to keep himself safe from what comes with intimacy by distancing himself from you. This can be a harsh way of doing it, ghosting, or a ‘lighter’ way of withdrawal such as pulling away slowly until the emotions fade away.
5. He didn’t like the sex.
Pulling away without giving you a particular reason for it, is already a sign of lack of open communication. In a lot of cases, people who have difficulties communicating, and couples who didn’t establish open communication, tend to do things more passively. Instead of telling you that sex needs more improvement, some men choose the easy way out of it: pulling away. This doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. This means that he feels like he could get sexually fulfilled differently, yet he’s not communicating it to you. It’s not a good way to start, and this lack of communication can lead to other unhealthy things that can eventually get toxic. However, it is one of the reasons why men pull away after intimacy.
6. You didn’t have the sex talk before it happened.
If you didn’t have a talk about sex before you had it then it is very likely to confuse the hell out of both of you! Again, sex is a big deal. It shifts connections, creates space for bonding, for pleasure, and creates space for experimenting. Things can feel strange and he might be feeling just as confused as you are. Having sex talk means talking about your opinions on sex, what it means to you, what you like, and what you don’t like about it. If you didn’t have this talk, it probably means that you don’t really know what sex means to one another, which is a real-deal reason to leave you feeling confused afterward. You might not know how to, now, navigate the relationship or connection, and it can feel a bit strange to go on and talk about everything else but what you did. This distance from him can last until you have this conversation. It’s very common, and it’s often normal to feel a strange feeling that prevents you from going back into the relationship as if nothing of a big matter happened.
7. He’s not interested in anything more than sex.
This can be a tricky situation to be in. Some men are players. They like the game, they set a goal, and once that goal is reached, they vanish. On the other hand, this is also something a narcissist is likely to do. Once he gets what he wants from you, he’s out of the picture until he comes back to get some of it once again. If sex was the goal, he chased you and played by the rules until he reached his goal. When he’s not interested in anything more than sex – such as a committed relationship – he’s likely to just pull away and come back once he feels the need for sex again. Unfortunately, this is fairly common in the dating world. Untold intentions and unspoken expectations are often a set base for broken hearts and relationships.
8. He’s got something else going on in his life.
This is yet another reason that falls into the ‘communication’ spectrum of the issues. A man that pulls away after intimacy can also be a man that has inner issues, or generally, issues going on within his life that he’s not ready to communicate yet. Sometimes, even if the emotional security within a relationship is established between the couple, some things take some time to be told or spoken. Whether he’s scared of what he’s feeling, or whether he’s struggling with something else, you won’t be able to know about it until he talks to you about it. Personal issues are often some of the main reasons why men pull away after intimacy. This means that he could be dealing with something on his own. It’s something that doesn’t have to do with you, it’s something he’s dealing with himself.
What to do when a man pulls away after intimacy?
Whether the experience of sex with this man was enjoyable or not, he made it bitter afterward. You’re left wondering whether it’s something you did, or it’s something that has nothing to do with you. Either way, everything points to one thing: he’s not communicating properly. You’re aware that he’s not doing the right thing, but still, you feel the need to do something about it. It’s normal. So, what exactly do when he pulls away after sex?
– Maintain your peace and stay true to yourself.
This is thrown around to the point where it feels cliche to say it. However, this is one of the best things to do in this situation. Now, a simple “oh I’ll maintain my peace now” won’t fix everything, but it’ll help you a bunch with what you’re going through. Staying true to yourself is also very important. Here’s why:
When he pulls away, you might get the feeling that you have to go beyond your way to get him back like he was.This can put you out of yourself and can agitate the situation to the point where it pushes him further.Doing activities you enjoy and surrounding yourself with people you love can help you understand that you can handle life without him as well.His presence is welcomed, but if for whatever reason he chooses to pull away and lose touch from the connection you’ve got yourself a life and a whole lot of things to be grateful for.
– Talk to him: have the conversation you need to have.
He pulled away after intimacy, you’re wondering what happened, hence you find yourself reading articles, asking friends, or finding any clue that could comfort you for a while. The truth is, he’s the only one to directly answer your questions. This is why you have to have a talk with him. A genuine, honest, and sincere conversation as to what made him pull away after you’ve had sex together.
Have a calm approach while asking the questions that are bothering you. Here are some examples:
“I’ve noticed you pulling away recently. I’d like to talk about this when you’re ready to.” “I understand we can’t always be cheerful and joyous, but I feel like there’s something off recently. Wanna talk about it?” “I know that last week can be a bit too much to digest, but it’s been so for me too. I’m ready to talk about it, are you?”
Take a look at how he’s responding, and listen to him if he’s willing to talk about it.You’ll know when he’s lying, so be open and present while he’s talking. See it as something you both can work on as a team instead of something he needs to be accused of.
– Avoid being pushy.
Being pushy will only contribute to his defenses. Respect his space if he says he doesn’t want to talk about it. If he says he’s not ready to talk about it and you push him to talk he’ll either not talk about it and get upset, or talk about it and not tell the truth. On the other hand, he might also hit you with the famous “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” That’s another case in which you don’t want to be pushy about it. We’re assuming he has his reasons for this retreat and for this unwillingness to talk about it. Let’s respect that while we focus on ourselves and our well-being.
You can seem desperate for his attention if you push it too much, that can push him away even further.You stay high value by staying true to yourself, giving him a chance to explain, and leaving it there when he doesn’t want to continue.
– Move on if you have different intentions from the relationship.
It’s crucial to understand the distinction between a partner who’s willing to work things out with you, and a partner who’s careless and uninterested. If you sense that he’s being disrespectful, careless, and inconsiderate towards your feelings then you’ve got every right to move on from that connection. It’s easier said than done, I know. You’ll need a moment of clarity here. Your feelings are involved and it can be quite difficult to see the situation pragmatically. Think of what you’d advise a very good friend to do in your situation.
If his behavior is something you don’t see yourself dealing with in a long-term relationship, then consider moving on if an honest conversation is off the table.If his intentions and expectations from the connection are different from yours, staying within the connection with the thought that he’ll eventually change is not a healthy decision.
– Talk to a therapist or a very trusted friend.
Sometimes events and situations within our lives can take turns we don’t like, and those can often trigger insecurities within us. This situation can be tricky since it is often difficult to discern whether your thoughts are stemming from a place of insecurity or from what you’re perceiving without bias. Another perspective from a trusted friend, or even better, a professional perspective can be a tremendous help. This will assist you in reaching that moment of clarity and understanding the whys and the hows. As long as you’re connected and as long as you are involved with him, his behavior will affect you, be it pleasant or unpleasant. Take your time, don’t be hard on yourself, and think and do what would be best for your well-being. Love, Callisto
